Conquering your Fear…
I don’t exactly know when it started. I will take liberty and make an assumption that somewhere along the line the words spoken to me, or about me, created this extreme trauma-like anxiety. Aging only exasperated the unspeakable fear.
What is this phobia-like fear you ask?
The fear of being photographed. The fear of seeing myself in a one-dimensional mode. FLAT and FAT…Some say, the camera never lies. Oh, but it does!
When my eyes see my reflection in the mirror, I can appreciate that I am aging. I am well aware that I’m not slim, my hair is thinning, my skin not so dewy, blemish or wrinkle free. I’m aware my eyes have dark circles, that no amount of expensive and promising cream or gel can repair. My face is rounder than I would like, my chin has a twin and my waist circumference is probably greater than my height. Having written all that sounds, like I don’t like myself; and that would be utterly untrue.
What my eyes see when looking at my reflection in the mirror is a kind and thoughtful woman. They see my heart and wisdom. The years I’ve lived and the lessons I’ve learned. The enormous obstacles I’ve overcome and the amazing courage I’ve had to muster up to survive all the traumas I’ve experienced. Some days, I’m able to look in the mirror and think, “not so bad.”
The camera hates me!
“The Camera” and I, do not like each other. It’s a fact. I’m not sure when we parted ways? There’s evidence in my past that this was not always the case. Nonetheless, here we are – unable to find a middle ground. I believe I am the least photogenic person I know.
My parents were exceptionally photogenic and attractive, which made it all the more excruciating that I, as their daughter, was not. I compensated by always being behind the camera lens, almost as a metaphor for my life.
Then came the launch of my coaching practice. A recent photo was needed. I delayed and avoided as much as possible. I considered skipping it all together. My inner voice whispered, fraud, coward… How can I possibly coach about being courageous; facing past demons to break free from all the negative inner dialogue if am not willing to walk my talk.
I set about to find a photographer, and I won’t bore you with the process but rest assured it was painful, long and excruciating to have to admit over and over all my imperfections and still hope they could deliver a miracle of a single photo that I would consider acceptable.
Enter SAM!
I met Sam volunteering for an organization during Covid times. We attended weekly meetings via zoom and never once had exchanged words. I knew he was a photographer, because his email signature included a website, and I curiously checked it out.
I don’t know exactly how I mustered up the courage to ask if he would be interested in helping me out. I am so glad he said yes.
He reminded me that even on zoom I was always hiding. He could barely make out my head, it hadn’t occurred to me that I hide from “all” lenses. He asked if I could send him some selfies, honestly, a million dollars would have been an easier ask. It took me almost a week, to do something that takes Gen Z’s a second. If I wanted my photo taken by this man, I needed to trust him and myself, I needed to be vulnerable, I needed to muster up my courage, put my big girl panties on and “just do it” as Nike slogans go.
Here’s the turning point.
I was driving to the library to return a book when Sam responded with “Stunning.”
I had to stop the car and read it over and over again. My initial reaction was to say “are you kidding?” but I resisted the urge and let it sink in. If he had texted “cute” or “pretty” I would have dismissed it immediately. No woman in her mid-fifties feels cute anymore, and pretty would feel untrue,
Stunning on the other hand caught me off guard. Stunning means remarkable, extraordinary and impressive – I could proudly accept all that.
Sam had seen me.
Sam had shifted the way I think the camera could capture me.
Sam unknowingly and with this one kind choice word had broken through the barrier and the fear.
“We Bloom when we are Seen”
The photo session took place in the midst of Covid restrictions. I had gained some weight, had no access to hair and make-up and was outdoors in my modest yard to limit virus exposure. It was also during a record-breaking heat wave. One would think the deck was stacked against us, and yet, I trusted Sam to capture the remarkable and extraordinary in me.
Bless you Sam!
May you all come across a Sam in your life. Check out some of the photos Sam took and let me know your thoughts.
Contact: samurdank.com/